i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
