No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
