she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
