I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
