dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
