I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
