We're like a lot better than the average bears
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
