She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
