I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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