I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
All the doctor said was why
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
