Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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