tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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