When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
