Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
