dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
