I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
