Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Boobs speak an international language.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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