She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
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Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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