Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
