you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
