oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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