is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
