Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
