The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
