she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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