he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
