Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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