i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
