oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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