i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
