im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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