watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
A+ Viking dick
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
