I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
