I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
