this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
