i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
