The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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