Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
