Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My cat gives me a boner
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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