Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
