Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
