What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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