My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We left an ass print on the piano.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
