When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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