Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
