It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
