Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
