and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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