I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
