and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
