I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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