Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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