I'm going to jail i love you
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
