I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
