someone threw a dead crab at me
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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