I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
