saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
a search helicopter?!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird