Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.