what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across