I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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