I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
