So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
